Every experience in life leaves behind its own memory, mark or scar. To what extent we allow those to define us and to influence our next experiences are largely our own choice. But what happens when this becomes more difficult to control?

Relationships are most commonly things that leave behind indelible marks. Having had long-term relationships in the past, certain experiences from them stick with me more significantly than anything else in life. Yes they’ve shaped my views on relationships and what a healthy one looks like, and yes they’ve resulted in better situations. But, they also leaving their calling cards of things that went wrong and these things are exactly what needs to be let go of in order to avoid the same mistakes being made again. If only it were that easy…

We look into things, scrutinising interactions to find what we want to find, rather than what is actually there. We want to find the things that we have experienced before, because this is what we are comfortable with. We always look for reasoning in everything and if that can be sought from previous failed relationships, then so-be-it. Looking for what has occurred before – that which was unhealthy within a relationship – can prove toxic for new relationships. Looking for those signs of failing relationships, within a currently positive one, can throw the balance of things all off. It can bring out insecurities about the current situation and reveal old wounds to new people; people who trust you and don’t want to be judged based on the mistakes of those from the past.

It’s the letting go that is tough. The moving on and moving forwards. The platitude that we tell ourselves that what doesn’t kill us will make us stronger, certainly sounds plausible. But these battle scars are still there, whether on show or not.

The conclusion we have to make is to allow those scars to help us win the war, not the battle.